Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
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(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?