Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
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Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
this is what they would have looked like, though
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.