It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
You Might Also Like
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
an octopus is just a wet spider
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”