“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
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Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.