I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
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“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.