Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
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interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Beards are a privilege, not a right
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Does your wife know you’re single?
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it