My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
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Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
This guy gets it.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Google assistant rules
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*