love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
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me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does