This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
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i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
All food is good if you spell it wrong
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.