[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
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all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
There are no pants in heaven.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.