In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
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wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.