I’d use my best pan on you.
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One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
S/o to @funTweeters .
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”