Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
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4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?