Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
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*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
*praying for world peace*
God:
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*