calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
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I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Ah yes. The three genders
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)