my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
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“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Haha good job!!
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.