How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
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Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
i hope my email finds you on fire
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
😍😂🥰😂😍
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.