Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
You Might Also Like
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Had an epiphany today.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.