COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
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God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.