Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
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I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Feels
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?