Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
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“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
They did not think through this water fountain
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!