Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
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I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
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Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]