20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
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Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons