Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
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Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
thanksgiving in nutshell
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]