I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
You Might Also Like
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”