You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
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HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
This makes total sense…
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.