Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
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I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Does it…does it take 3 days
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Wait a second…
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.