[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
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i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.