Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
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Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs