Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
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Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Hmm, not sure about this change
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Aight bet
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Cardio Made Easy
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig