To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
You Might Also Like
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Phones down.
How times have changed.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Hey i am sexy to you now
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year