YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
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I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
oh you wanna fight?!
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me