[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
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Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Follow me for more life hacks.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.