I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
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me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!