Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
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Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
ugh not again
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.