if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
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I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Optional boss fight.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.