People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
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Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.