{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
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@funTweeters I am at your service….
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.