From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
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You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*