to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
You Might Also Like
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus