1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
You Might Also Like
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
the three genders
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
hmmm
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro