When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
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[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
6: are snakes just neck?
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Autocarrot sucks!
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you