My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
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Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
I would like even faster food.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?