Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
You Might Also Like
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee