My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
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Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
All. The. Damn. Time.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
when someone compliments me
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?