*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
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French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
(yawn)
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.