I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
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if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
I have a black belt in leather
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Not messing around