I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
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First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.