I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
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I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
I’m already scared
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.