Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
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Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.